Neon Yellow
by ThranduilBadassGreenLeafElvenK
Summary: Dean Winchester has had a secret for years. He is actually a she. The story begins with her getting ready to tell her younger brother. The plot moves through her trying to accept herself, help others understand and eventually the path to true love.
1. Bathroom Transformation

Neon Yellow

Chapter One: Bathroom Transformation

Dean tried to whisper over and over that he was not afraid. That this was Sammy, his little brother and well, there was nothing that could come between them right? They'd stopped the apocalypse together. They'd lived through John Winchester together. _He'll understand, right? He'll understand why I couldn't do this sooner. _Taking a deep breath, Dean began her transformation. First she laid down his primer, a slightly lighter shade than his actual skin tone. She put on her foundation, then the contouring blush. Adding her fake eyelashes and putting on her favorite everyday eye shadow, a shade of neutral brown with a little bit of gold under shade on her lids, she began to breathe more normally. It was days like this Dean blessed the fact she had such large eyes and feminine lips, it made this look even more natural. She looked in the mirror, still in her manly hunter outfits, but her face looking like the one she felt belonged to her. Adding the highlights to her eye shadow and a touch of red lipstick to make her feel powerful, she prepared to tell her brother news she herself had only just started to accept.

As she reached for the door, pure terror stretched throughout her body. Was she really ready to risk losing her brother to feel more comfortable in her own skin? _Am I being selfish? Is it really right to change the perception he has had of me, to change his whole world view? _Her heart was beating fast in her chest. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She had dreamed about the day when she could be out and in the open, but some part of her wasn't sure she was ready. This was a huge risk, she and Sam never really talked about queer issues or anything like that. _I'm going to throw up. _Dean hadn't eaten at all today just in case something like that was going to happen, but it was unavoidable the bile rose up in her throat. It tasted sick and acidic, burning as it made its way up her throat. She wanted to wait in the living room for when Sam got back from the grocery store, but she was starting to lose her courage. Every part of her wanted to wash her make-up off her face, to pretend that this wasn't happening, to pretend that she was a man. _Why couldn't I have just been born in the right body? Haven't I had enough shit thrown my way? _

All the years she had been living the lie, flashed through her mind. So long she tried to act hyper masculine in order to cover the feelings of self-loathing she had inside. Trying to please her dad. To be the son he wanted her to be, but still she remembered that just before her mom died on her third birthday she had asked for a baby doll. It was a beautiful baby doll with the most gorgeous brown curls and green eyes. So realistic looking. But even clearer than she remembered that baby doll, she remembered her father's horror. "_That's a girl's toy. You can't play with girls' toys." _Dean began to cry and protest and his father gave him a spanking. Mary bought her a G.I. Joe and John told Mary that she had been too soft on the boy. Of course John's anger at his son's female tendencies had only grew stronger after Mary passed and he was half crazy with grief anyhow.

So Dean tried really hard to act masculine, to be her father's ideal of what a man should act like. But Dean still remembered sneaking off to buy mascara and nail polish to wear when no one was around. She still remembered the first bottle of nail polish she ever bought, a simple neon yellow bottle on sale for twenty-five cents. She cried when she brought it home, because it felt like the first step to accepting herself. She had been sixteen. She was thirty-five today and she thought maybe it was time that Sam accepted her too. With that thought she walked out of the bathroom and sat down one the couch in the living room, patiently waiting for Sam to bring home her pie. Knots in her stomach, but a determination to go through with this next step in her journey.


	2. Living Room Confessions

Neon Yellow

Chapter Two: Living Room Confessions

As Dean sat in the living room, feeling like she should claw her way out of her skin, she watched the clock. Sammy was due home at any moment, she felt ridiculous, and like this was such a dumb way to tell him. Still she couldn't think of a better way, she sat tapping her foot, wondering if maybe she should go all the way. Maybe she should greet him in her skinny jeans and high heels. Should she put on her wig? She didn't know if maybe that would be too extreme, maybe that would be too much for Sam to comprehend. _Did he drive all the way across the state of Kansas, like seriously, where the fuck is he? _Dean began to wonder if maybe this was a sign that she should wait until another day. Wondering if some divine being was giving her enough time to wash off her make-up and go back to being the person Sam had always known. As she finally decided she had enough and was walking towards the bathroom to wash it all off and try again another day, she heard the front door swing open and Sam's voice carried down the stairs as he shouted.

"Dean you here? I brought the pie!" At the sound of his voice Dean almost wanted to cry and bolt out of the room, at the same time she was getting really tired of hiding. She didn't answer, but instead waited on the couch for Sam to walk in.

"Dean?" Keys hit the kitchen counter. Sam's boots stomped into the living room. The look on his face was one of pure shock. "D-D-Dean, what the hell is going on?" his voice was just as shaky as he looked.

"Hi Sammy, I guess I should introduce myself, since this is the first time you've ever met me. My name is Deanna and I'm your older sister." Deanna was trying really hard not to cry. She was holding her breath as she waited for Sam to process this information enough to form a coherent answer. He looked like he didn't quite believe what was going on.

"You're fucking with me, right? Dean you are the manliest person I know, listen if this is some kind of joke that's really insensitive and not funny alright—"Sam stopped mid-thought. Deanna was crying. Straight up balling.

"Why the hell would I joke about something like this? Do you realize how hard it was for me to tell you, I must of walked from here to the bathroom twenty times! I'm telling you I am your older sister. Of all the times to accuse me of lying Sam, this is not it." The sentence came out choked and desperate between heavy sobs. Just when she began to question if this was all a mistake, Sam pulled her in for a hug.

"I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean anything by it, it was just a shock. Listen to me. I love you. Your my big bro—sister and there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I will love no matter what you identify as or how you dress because your family and I wouldn't be a very good brother if I didn't. I'll be here all the way through this journey, okay? I'm here." He was looking Deanna dead in the eye, his voice rang with true remorse and love. He seemed genuinely sorry that he had upset her.

That made Deanna ball harder, but this time it was just a cathartic release of all the years of hiding and lying and pretending and overcompensating. She managed to choke out a thank you and sobbed for a long while on her younger brother's chest. Sam rubbed her back and rocked her back and forth, processing the information and hoping that he could be as understanding as Deanna needed. He knew this would take some getting used to, but Dean was Deanna and his sister, that was all that mattered.

Deanna cried until all that was there was dry sobs. She hadn't expected Sam to be so understanding, she hadn't wanted him to be angry, but it was all she had been prepared for, having him be so accepting and loving had completely caught her off guard. She was more emotional than she had allowed herself to be in years. When she finally calmed down, Sam let her go and asked if she needed a glass of water. She shook her head no. Really all she wanted was to be alone now and process all that had happened. She watched as he got up to leave, still in semi-shock over what had happened. Sam looked exhausted and like he too had a lot on his as he got up from the couch and headed towards his room he looked over his shoulder.

"Hey Deanna, listen I will be here no matter what. I don't care what everyone else says, I will be there for you. I will kick anyone's ass you talks shit or tries to hurt you. No matter who stays or leaves know I will always be here. You are my sister and I love you. Remember I'm not Dad, I'm not an insensitive bastard. If this is the way you feel, then you have every right to express it. Goodnight and I hope you feel better in the morning."

"Thanks Sammy, goodnight. You're the best little brother a girl could ask for." She really meant it. She didn't understand how someone who was raised by John Winchester, and some days seemed in danger of turning into him, could be so understanding. But that was Sammy full of surprises and unknown depths of love. In that moment she didn't think she had ever respect anyone as much as she respected her little brother. As Sam left the room Deanna pulled herself up off the couch. She knew she must look like a horrifying mess, but she felt like the whole world was lifted from her shoulders, like she was a prisoner freed. Although it was early in the morning she didn't feel like sleeping. Instead she cleaned herself up in the bathroom and then went into her room. From her dresser she pulled out all her hidden make-up and perfumes and nail polishes and went to proudly display them on the counter. Then she replaced her Old Spice body wash and deodorant with her favorite Dove products. For the first time, she felt she had a home, a real home where she could be her real self.


	3. A New Morning

Neon Yellow

Chapter Three: A New Morning

For the first time since God knows when Deanna woke up feeling as if this life was hers to live. What a fucking glorious feeling. For once she wished she had a window in the bedroom in the bunker, because the world must look like a completely different place to a happy person. For once she actually felt as kick ass as the rest of the world seemed to believe she was. If she could own who she really was, there was nothing she couldn't do. She was actually humming as she picked out the outfit for the day, a pleated over the knee skirt, in a charcoal black and a red sweater vest over a white button up shirt. She tucked her penis like a pro and put on some rather comfortable pink satin panties. She found her corset, it was one that let her wear her own bra, and put it on, pulling it tight so that she might have a more hourglass figure. Then she put her fake breast into the pockets of her bra. Deanna took a moment to take a look at herself in her full body mirror. She was putting on her skirt and shirt. She almost felt like crying tears of joy, she could not believe that she was actually going to wear this somewhere but the secret chamber of her room. She felt like a goddess. Like a warrior. She pulled on her five-inch heeled platform pumps, she smiled, and for once she just might be taller than Sam. She wasn't sure how he would take that. She walked towards the bathroom, a bright and warm smile on her face

She carried a blonde wig under her arm, one that gave her hair down to the center of her back. She would put it on last. She began her ritual of putting on her true face, but this time it felt different. There was still a thrill, but it made her feel like she was clean instead becoming filthy. Before this was a process that happened in a darkened bathroom and in secret, a feeling of terror was always associated with it, a feeling of being afraid of being discovered. But now it was no longer a secret or a shameful task. This was simply a truth about her being and now it was beautiful thing. With her eye shadow on and her favorite shade of red lipstick on her lips, she pulled on the long blonde wig over her wig cap. She could have cried at the feeling of freedom and joy in her heart, but instead she smiled and prepared to step into the kitchen.

"Morning Sammy." Sam didn't look like he quite understood what was going on, but then it all came flooding back to him through his morning fog.

"Morning Deanna. You look nice, seriously I had no idea you were already such an expert." He sounded genuinely impressed, if still a little out of it.

"Do you want some coffee? Might make the world a little clearer…" Deanna was surprised how easy conversation was. She didn't feel awkward at all. Perhaps this really had been a good idea.

After Sam had downed his second cup of coffee and seemed fully aware of all that was in front of him, he snorted "Ya, sure you want to leave the house that way?"

Deanna was unsure how to take this statement. His brother seemed so accepting last night. Was that some kind of sick joke? Was Sam getting ready to tell him what he really thought? Her heart in her throat, Deanna asked "Uh, yeah, I thought you were cool with this…Sam this is who I am, I thought—" Sam cut her off mid-sentence.

"No, it's not that I'm embarrassed or uncool with it, it's just we're going to be meeting Cas about the recent demon possession influx up in Ohio. So I do have a few problems and allow me to list them for you. A. That skirt and heel get-up is not very practical for kicking ass. B. Are you ready for Cas to know about this, because if you are fine, I'll be there to back you up, but I just want to make sure you're not taking things too fast. And C. I just don't think you'll be comfortable driving in that, because just like five inch heels aren't practical for kicking ass, they aren't practical for driving cross country." Sam finished the sentence with a look on his face that said you know I'm right.

Deanna took a few moments to respond. She sat blinking in shock and relief. She felt stupid for thinking Sam would lie to her about something like that. Of course he would know better than to joke about something like this. Laughing at the sure absurdity of it all she smiled "Alright maybe I'll put on some jeans and my converses, but the make-up stays and the wig. I think maybe Cas does deserve to know. I appreciate your concern about me taking it too fast, but it has been hidden far too long…it is kind of like a volcano, now that the top has been blown, there is no stopping me from telling everyone I can."

Sam blushing for a second and looking at the ground said almost too quietly to be heard "I'm sorry for scaring you, I could of introduced this topic a little better…"

Deanna looked at him and laughed again. "I may be a chick Sammy, but the saying still stands," she said holding up her hand "no chick-flick moments." She turned to walk out of the room and too her bedroom, but a thought seized her and she turned around unable to stop herself from asking "Hey, how do you know so much about heels and skirts?"

Suddenly Sammy looked like maybe he had a few secrets of his own he was debating whether or not to share…


	4. A Very Long Drive

Neon Yellow

Chapter Four: A Very Long Drive

Sam had refused to speak for the rest of the morning after Deanna had asked him about his strange expertise. He could barely even make eye contact. This whole thing was making Deanna very nervous, but Sam was never this quiet so she figured it was best to let sleeping dogs lie. She was now dressed in very comfortable jeans and her black converses. She wished she could enjoy this more, but her mind was filled with worry about Sam. What could be so bad that he didn't want to tell her? _I just came out with a pretty earth shattering secret, surely he doesn't think he can shock me? What could he be so embarrassed about? _

The air outside the bunker was refreshing and cool, with the smell of the beginning of spring at the edge. Deanna thought the flowers looked particularly bright and she hadn't realized how much she was longing for an excuse to get out on the road to see the world. Over her sweater vest and white button down shirt she had a leather jacket, just what she needed to make her feel less vulnerable and more tough. She was nervous about meeting Cas in Ohio, she wasn't sure how he would react, but maybe he could offer God's perspective on things. Not that Cas usually cared about God's perspective on things. Sam was lagging behind and trying to make himself small. Which if it wasn't a sign of such great distress, might have made Deanna laugh. She wanted to comfort him, but wasn't quite sure how, so she just decided to give her car the once over and form a plan.

"Baby, you look good, same as ever…." A smile spread across her lips, this was the first time she'd ever driven the Impala as herself, in a way Deanna was coming out to her too, but of course there was no doubt Baby would accept her. Sam climbed in the car, not even a sarcastic chuckle. _This is serious. _Deanna climb into the car solemnly. She hesitated before putting the key into the ignition. She turned towards Sam.

"Jesus Sammy, I'm freaking out here. Do you really think there is anything you can tell me that will make me love you any less? How big of a freakin' hypocrite would that make me? I just putting that out there, so when you're ready to tell me I'll be here as your big sis, ready to listen." With that she turned towards the front and put the car into drive.

As she pulled out of the drive way and onto the highway, she heard a squeak and sigh, she smiled hoping Sammy didn't see, it looked like he was ready to talk.

"I don't know how to start this out, but Jess was a little bit…just a tiny bit…not in a weird way…but she wa—well, she was a little bit kinky. And let's just say that she had a bit of a fetish that may or may not have included cross dressing…" He was blushing furiously and Deanna felt relieved. So he just been the normal kind of embarrassed. She was about to laugh, but something on Sam's face stopped her.

"Is there more?" Deanna gently prodded. Something told her that there was some kind of emotional storm raging inside of her little brother, that maybe her coming clean had inspired him to come clean about a few things of his own. Still she didn't want to push him into something he wasn't ready for. _Patience is the key. I don't want to traumatize him, lord knows he's been through enough of that. _

Sam took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and then in a quiet voice he let him say words he hadn't said in years. "I miss her. I miss her so much. I blame myself for what happened to her. I still dream about her…I-I—"He didn't finish his sentence. The shakiness in his voice at the end was all the explanation Deanna needed. She noticed his hands were shaking, as a matter of fact is whole body was shaking. He took another deep breath "Sometimes I just want to end it all so I can be with her, so I don't have to watch anybody else I love die, but I-I—I hold on for you. Please don't worry, I'm not going to do anything, I'm alright, I'm just tired of holding these emotions on my own. "Sam was trying hard not to let it show how upset he was. Shaking and tears streaming down his face, he was still trying to keep his face calm. Still trying to convince his older sister everything was fine.

Deanna pulled over the car. "Sammy, you don't have to pretend everything is okay. Not ever. If you need to talk, please, please tell me. Whether it be three in the morning or afternoon. I don't care if I'm asleep, if you need to talk you better wake my ass up. Nothing about how I feel about you has changed. Not because of what I told you and not because of what you told me. You are strong, but you aren't invincible, no one is, that's too much to ask of yourself."

Sam swallowed hard, trying to hold back sobs, but in the end failing. Admitting defeat he laid his head on Deanna's shoulder, letting himself cry for the first time in years. _Goddamn we are so emotionally unhealthy. I'm not going to let it continue on this way. _Deanna gently played with Sammy's hair, whispering it's okay over and over again. Part of her was relieved Sam was finally trying to let go of all of this, but part of her felt like her heart was breaking in her chest. Each sob felt like a stab. She and Sam were going to fix themselves and each other. They were going to be okay. They were not going to die damaged and angry like their father. Deanna was determined. The cycle broke with them.


	5. Polish

Neon Yellow

Chapter Five: Polish

Sammy was deep asleep, worn out from the emotional morning. He'd been asleep since about two that afternoon and it was now eight o'clock. Deanna pulled into the old cabin that John had kept up there. She hated to admit it, but this was not the first time she felt relieved that John Winchester was no longer gracing the earth with his presence. She felt terrible about it. She loved her father. In many ways he was a good man, but he was a product of circumstances out of his control and his time. He certainly would not be happy with "Dean" or Sam. He'd be angry at Sam for being so weak. He'd be angry at Deanna for existing.

Deanna sat for a moment in the car, the night still wondering if she should wake up Sam and go on inside. She didn't know how she felt about staying in this cabin. Memories were tied up in this place. Some good, some bad. Most felt kind of fake, like Deanna had been living someone else's life while she stayed here. Yes some part of her was "Dean" but that wasn't the all of it, it was like some kind of mask, a kind of weird a proximity of her. She wondered what Sam was feeling, really feeling about all of this. He seemed so chill about it, but Deanna knew he had to have some questions, some sort of worry or confusion as to how this came to be. She knew she would have to let him know it was okay to have these questions, to want to know the story. In a way it was like they were starting to know each other all over again. Both of them would have to figure out what exactly was "Dean" and what was Deanna. It was a scary idea, but she was glad she would have her brother to figure it out with. If she felt safe with anyone it was Sam.

She began to think about what it would be like to tell Cas. She of course wanted him to be a part of her life, she couldn't imagine it without him there, but Cas barely understood humans when they were straight forward and according to plan. Deanna knew she was nothing but a pile of broken rules and plot twist, she was hard enough to understand when people thought her gender matched her sex. This only added a new layer of confusion. The stress was wearing her down. _It's nights like these I wish I smoked, it would make things so much easier to deal with. _Taking a deep breath and hoping for the best, Deanna gently shook Sam awake.

"We're here. Go on inside and get some rest, I'll get the clothes."

Sam nodded groggily in agreement. Stretching for just a moment outside the car and then walking towards the cabin like is shoulders carried the weight of the world and like his legs weighed a thousand pounds. _Poor kid. I wish I could take it all away from him. _

Deanna walked to the back of the car. He pulled out Sam's luggage, wishing he could take the emotional kind to. She suddenly felt so guilty for telling him her secret. _Was it too much at once? Was there an way to break it slowly?" _The feeling that maybe she was the straw that broke Sam's back washed over her. The very idea made it hard to breathe. She felt like she was buried under a ton of snow, the weight of it crushing her and cutting off her oxygen. The world began to blacken around the edges, her head was spinning and her breath was coming in faster. _Panic attack. Deep breaths Deanna, deep breaths. _She was used to this reaction, she'd had panic attacks ever since high school. She knew how to hide it and she knew how to fix it. She was careful to control her breaths, to force herself to focus on what little of the world she could still see. She told herself she was being ridiculous. Sam felt this way for a long time. It wasn't her. She should be grateful. The fact he finally had it off his chest meant that maybe he could fix it. He could began to heal. This wasn't something to be upset about. This was a good thing. Like they always said the first step is admitting you have a problem. Sammy had completed the first step. Things were only up from here.

With that she picked herself up of the ground, dusting off her jeans and the bags with her and Sam's clothes. She was going to be fine. She was going to get some sleep tonight, she was determined.

As she climbed up the steps, she was mentally preparing for the onslaught of emotion. _It's different this time. You are you, out in the open, with a member of the family who doesn't think you are a problem to be fixed. It is different. Remember that._ Her feet beat against the rock, she could have sworn that the beat matched her heart, which was pumping blood in her ears. She tried to focus on steady breathing. _You're okay. You're okay. Deep breaths. _She was at the door. Her hand shaking. But with determination she turned the door handle, the familiar smell of treated pine and moisture filled her nose. A tightness in her chest formed, one that she could quite place with an emotion. It was a mixture, not quite equal parts coming home and remorse. She could hear John's voice ringing in her ears.

Deanna remembered it well, it had been during a particularly difficult werewolf hunt. The memory rushed back into her mind, her heart pounding, as if it was threating to burst out of her chest.

_"What have I told you about this Dean?" John came walking out of Dean's bedroom, holding a small wooden box. "What have I told you?!" The look of anger on his face was terrifying, but Dean was trying to maintain his cool, thanking whoever was listening Sam was at school right now. _

_ Dean looked him dead in his eyes. "Those are nail polishes from all my previous girlfriends. They're memories. Trophies." Dean winked, trying to be convincing._

_ "Really? I call bullshit, you little faggot. Why can't you just be who I raised you to be?" John slowly picked a bottle of nail polish, feeling its weight in his hand. Then he raised it over his head, throwing it on the floor. _

_ Dean reached to try to catch it, but she wasn't fast enough. She watched as the bottle shattered on the floor. A puddle of bright blue was all that remained. Dean wasn't sad. She was angry. But she held her tongue. Wiping up the puddle as John walked away, going to throw away the rest of the nail polish, she smirked. What he didn't know is she had a bottle of neon yellow polish in her pocket. He wasn't always going to control her. His grip was already starting to loosen. _

Deanna put her hand in her pocket as she remembered her small victory. It was one she had savored for a long time.


	6. Breakfast and Broken Plates

Neon Yellow

Chapter Six: Breakfast and Broken Plates

When Deanna awake the next morning, she realized she had forgotten to wash of her make-up. She had gotten undressed and fallen asleep thinking about the best way to help Sam. The night hadn't made anything clearer, if anything the whole world was foggier, clouded with memories of a life that only felt half like hers. She wasn't sure she wanted to face this morning, but she went to the bathroom, took a look at herself in the mirror. The make-up was smeared all over her face, her mascara had run. _I don't remember crying last night, but maybe during the panic attack? _As if to wash away the stress from the night before, Deanna wet a face towel with warm water and gently scrubbed the make-up away. Deciding the warm water felt amazing, she opted for a shower, thinking it would do her good to let her muscles relax.

As she climbed into the shower, a familiar feeling of disgust washed over her. The fact she couldn't avoid facing the facts that she was physically a man in the shower or anytime she was naked, filled her with such horror and sadness. _Why was I born in this body? Why? _ As she showered and cleaned herself, she ran her hands over old scars on her thighs, left over from a time when she was a desperate and confused teenage girl. She wondered why those hadn't been removed when she left hell and was brought back to life. She thought maybe Cas could explain. It had actually been a question she had been meaning to ask him for a very long time, but asking that would mean admitting they were there and probably have to explain how she got them. She stood under the shower for a very long time, remembering all those feelings of sixteen, when it finally all clicked together that she wasn't the only one like this. That she wasn't a fluke or a mistake.

It had been the summer of '95, John had left Deanna in charge of a twelve year old Sammy, who in fact had a new laptop with internet capability.

_"Dean are you listening?" The impatience was clear in his father's voice, but Dean figured impatient was the default for John Winchester. _

_ "Yes, Dad. You want me to make sure that Sam doesn't starve or hurt himself. I'll take care of him, I always do." That was something Dean always took pride in, she might have been a disappointment do John, but she was definitely Sammy's hero. That kept her strong these days. _

_ "Don't do anything I wouldn't do. See ya in a couple weeks." He affectionately rumpled Sam's hair and offered Dean his hand. "Seriously, no trouble." _

_ Dean thought the look in his eye had been especially suspicious, but she tried to tell herself she was being paranoid. She held her breath until the door slammed and she heard the car pull out of the drive-way. "Let me borrow your computer."_

_ "Why?" Sammy whined, looking at Dean with a glare and a pout. _

_ "Because I'm your big brother and I can kick your ass." She was internally cringing at brother, it took everything not to correct it and say your big sister. It was like chewing glass. _

_ Sam didn't disagree. Grudgingly he handed over his computer. Dean thought maybe he was secretly hoping she didn't know how it worked. _

_ Dean nervously typed in the word Transgender on his computer. She wasn't sure where she had heard it, but it sounded so right, she hoped she was right about the definition. As she scrolled through, there were lots of pages about the evils of transsexuals and signs of mental illness, but she found one page that gave her hope. A definition was atop the home page._

_Transgender n._

_The feeling that one was born in a body with the sex that does not match their gender. _

_And below the definition was a simple word:_

_Welcome._

_Dean had never felt so happy. She was wanted. She wasn't alone._

She had debated for many weeks whether or not to show the page to her father, but in the end Deanna knew he would not handle it well, she was glad she didn't. As she left the shower and got dressed. Deanna felt refreshed. Ready for breakfast. After she got her make-up on she headed to the kitchen, smelling coffee and pancakes.

As she walked in to the kitchen, the familiar sight of the slope of Castiel's shoulders encased in his trench coat and his messy black hair greeted her eyes. Just like always it took her breath away. Cas turned around, his blue eyes taking her in, there was a moment of confusion, then realization dawned on his face. The plate he had been washing in the sink slipped from his hands, crashing on the floor in a sickening crash. "Dean, I don't understand—"

"Well, my name is Deanna and although you know me as Dean, that's only part of the story, I really identify as a woman. It makes me the most comfortable. If you have any questions, I'd be willing to answer them. I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable, but this is the true me…"

"No Dean you misunderstand, I don't know why you waited so long!"


	7. Perdition and Scars

Neon Yellow

Chapter Seven: Perdition and Scars

Deanna wasn't sure she had heard the angel's response correctly in show she managed to stutter out "W-w-what?" She fell back into a chair, not really processing any of this.

"Deanna, I raised you from perdition, I have seen your soul in its purest form. I know you. I know you probably better than you can ever know yourself. There is a reason I have stuck by your side. I have seen the tortures, the pain that have plagued you through life. I have seen the determination and thirst for life that resides in you. So yes, I have known how you feel, who you really are for a very long time." Cas pulled out a chair and sat across from her. He gently took her hands in his. "You don't understand how happy it makes me that you have finally decided to live as yourself. This is a truly beautiful moment."

Deanna noted the warmth in his voice. She noted the strength of his hands. The blueness of his eyes. She felt herself blushing as she gazed into them a little too long. She never thought she could have stronger feelings for Cas. This moment proved that thought to be all wrong. She pulled herself back together. "About pulling my ass out of hell fire; you remember how I can back without any scars? Well, why are the ones from the years of self-harm still there?" She looked at him expectantly.

It was his turn to be flustered. He looked like he was struggling to figure out exactly how to phrase what he wanted to say. Finally after a few minutes he spoke in a low voice "To remind you of what you had survived and what it was like to live with that terrible secret. I didn't want to push too hard. You must forgive me if they have upset you by having to remember all this time, but at the time I didn't really understand human emotion…I was trying to help." He looked remorseful and ashamed. Deanna took her chance to comfort him.

"You didn't do anything wrong. Now that I understand the reason, I actually really appreciate the gesture. Cas, the fact you cared that much even when you didn't understand the power of human emotion. Even when you didn't know the physical form of me…that is just, just beautiful man. I am really touched…"She reached up and caressed his cheek. "God, you never cease to amaze me."

Cas reached up and held her hand and leaned into it, closing his eyes. Sam broke up the moment with a clearing of his throat. It startled Deanna, in all honesty she had forgotten he was here. "You guys obviously have a few more things to talk about…I'll let you have your space…in just a moment. Cas, you said that you saw Deanna's soul in its purest form when you raised her from hell, I wanna know if even though mine got left behind when you went for me, did you see mine?" His face was very serious, clearly Sam had an important reason for asking.

Cas looked up at him, a great sadness in his eyes. "Of course. Your soul was equally beautiful. My only wish for you is that you would forgive yourself. You haven't done anything wrong. And certainly nothing to deserve the amount of hate you direct towards yourself. You couldn't have changed it."

Sam was blinking furiously, but still his eyes had started watering. Deanna and Cas watched as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. He was trying so hard to swallow the lump in his throat. He was clearly failing as the tears began to win the war, he managed to stutter out "I—I'm really sorry, ex—e—excuse me" He turned and left the room quickly.

Deanna turned towards Cas. He said "I should go get him, I didn't mean to make him upset. I just thought he should know the truth." As he got up, Deanna grabbed his arm.

"Leave him, sometimes it is just better to leave a person alone. He hasn't properly grieved. He hasn't had a good cry in a long time. If you go talk to him now, he'll just be embarrassed and feel like he handle the situation wrong." She assured him. It was taking all herself discipline to follow through on it herself. She decided it would be better to distract themselves. "Sit down, have a coffee, you looked like you wanted to tell me something else earlier." She got up and poured them both a cup of black coffee. She made direct eye contact with Cas as she handed him his cup and sat down. "Well?"

Cas once again looked flustered. He took a deep breath and a sip of coffee before getting up and beginning to pace the room. Deanna had never seen him this way. He took another deep breath and began "I don't know if this might be too much to handle in one day. I don't want to pile too much on you…"He looked at Deanna. She felt the nervousness rising. She didn't know what to make of this. But she had to know, if she didn't find out the sure weight of not knowing would be crippling.

"I can handle it Cas I promise…how bad could it be?"

"Well, I hope it isn't bad at all, but I'm not really sure how'll feel about it…" He was blushing. Cas was blushing. That was something new. Deanna had never actually seen him do that before. He took yet another deep breath. "The truth is, that I love you. In all possible ways. As a friend. A mentor. But more than that I am in love with you. I want to spend forever with you Deanna. You are everything I have ever wanted. The truth is I have wanted to tell you for years. "He looked down at the floor, looking like he wanted to make himself smaller. Almost like he wanted to disappear.

Deanna didn't have the right words to say. But she didn't need them. She got up from her chair and walked over to Cas. She lifted his face and cupped it in her hands and kissed him. She kissed long and hard. She kissed him until she couldn't breathe. Then until she became so desperate for air she had to break the connection. He had no idea how long she had been waiting to do that. Her heart beating desperately fast in her chest. She said "I've been waiting to hear it." They turned towards the door to see Sam with a look of smugness. She swear she heard him say "I fucking knew it." She smiled. So did Sam.


	8. The Next Step and Epilogue

Neon Yellow

Chapter Eight: The Next Step

Sitting at dinner that evening, Deanna and Cas couldn't stop making googly eyes at each other. She couldn't believe how well this day had gone. She couldn't imagine that she would get everything she ever wanted in one evening. Cas was in love with her. _How long have I wanted this?_ She couldn't remember but this was everything she had ever dreamed about. Well almost. Sure everyone knew she was a woman, but she needed to make the transition. She needed to make her body match her. She was going to bring it up when her thoughts were interrupted.

"Deanna, Cas and I have a surprise." Sam got up from the table and brought her a box. "I think you'll really love it." It was wrapped in a pink box with a red bow. It was a relatively large size. She shook it. It made a faint ruffling noise. "Don't shake it, just open it!" Sammy smiled. He looked pretty excited. She looked towards Cas. Even he looked antsy.

She carefully tore off the wrapping paper and in it found a papers declaring one Castiel Novak and Samuel Paige had been approved for a loan of 100 thousand dollars. Deanna wasn't sure what to think, her heart pounding._ Is this for what I think it is? _She lifted the papers up and begin to cry, just pure tears of happiness. As she put the paper down. She noticed a card and even smaller box. She picked up the card and opened it. Inside was written in a neat scrawl was "You're going to be a beautiful sister. Love, Sammy." The box underneath was written in a slightly more childish scrawl, but was still legible. "From: Castiel To: Deanna" She could barely see through the waterfall of tears falling from her eyes. But inside the box was a small bottle of neon yellow nail polish. She looked at Cas and planted a kiss on his cheek and then got up and gave Sammy the best hug he had ever gotten from her. She was sobbing. She couldn't believe what a wonderful family she had. It was a couple of hours before she could gather herself together enough to ask "How did you guys get approved for a loan?"

Sammy laughed. "Well it turns out a couple of those fake credit cards we had opened up had pretty good credit. The point is we won't have to pay it back either. The social security numbers are completely fake and we drove to the next state over to get one approved. They have no idea who we really are. I hope you love it sis."

"I do. I love it. And I love you guys. You are the best family anyone could ask for."

She gave a Cas that gave him a look that let him know how much she appreciated the nail polish. He would know exactly how much it meant to her. To give her the exact color that had convinced her she was normal. To give her the color that got her through years of secrecy. Sometimes she didn't understand how such a beautiful soul managed to work his way into her life. She guessed that meant maybe the universe didn't have it out for her.

Epilogue:

It was two years later. The surgeries had been painful, emotional and well worthwhile. "Dean" was no more. Deanna was a fully realized concept. She stood in the shower, after all this time, and felt beautiful. Felt like herself. She was amazed at the difference in her body. She loved it's curves and it's gentle look.

She went to put on her wedding dress. Today was the day. Six months ago, Cas had asked her to marry him after she finished her final surgery. She felt like the luckiest girl to be alive. She had chosen a ball gown with a sweetheart neckline and beading. There was a lace overlay on the skirt.

As she walked down the aisle to meet the man of her dreams, she took a moment to appreciate her nails, painted a gorgeous shade of neon yellow. Taking a deep breath and waving to her very supportive little brother, she thought to herself _why did I ever take so damn long?_


End file.
